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The Scrooluce Chronicles

BY SAM LOPEZ

Somewhere in an obscure corner of the universe, where things occur in the fifth dimension, we are mysteriously taken into the inner sanctum, the throne room of the “Dark Side.” It is here that some of time’s most evil plots have been born. It is here that we witness the inner workings of the dark forces which influence the affairs of men.

On the 42nd day of the month Lirpa, in the year of our Most Evil Majesty 5891, I, Dr. Scrooluce, official historian and transcriber to the Satanic court, recorded and transcribed these events, which occurred during a meeting that the Lord of Darkness himself had with his ministers of war. (These high ranking spirits are those who have risen through the ranks across the span of ages. They have mastered well the evil arts of deception and destruction.)

Suddenly the massive Sanctum doors flew open. It was Dranticulus, who holds the coveted position of Minister of Infernal Affairs and Demonic Liaison, a position which entailed supervising and scheduling Lord Lucifer’s itinerary. It is his responsibility to insure that only priority business reaches his Master’s attention. Besides the Cherubs, who are agents of glorification and personal assistants, only he has access to the Dark One at any time.

“You Most Unholy Highness, he has just arrived. Should I leet him in?”

“Please,” resounded the authoritative figure as he motioned to dismiss his ministers.

Seconds later, Odeous was standing in the presence of the one he worshiped. “You Most Evil Majesty, did you call for me?”

“Yes, Odeous. I have summoned you to appear before your Lord in order to inform you of some strategic changes. As you know, Arterius, general over the Ministry of Disinformation and Slander is being promoted. He is to become one of my personal cherubs. Naturally he will leave an important vacancy behind. Of course it is not news in the kingdom that I have a special fondness for the tasks this elite slander group performs.”

No sooner had he said this than Dranticulus stepped back into the room and handed the Master an urgent note.

“This is very good news,[”] the Master exclaimed, “there is a revival of rebellion. We have just divided and destroyed three churches. Praise be to me. Indeed this is occasion for Hell-arious hollering. Whoopee!”

As soon as he regained his composure he said, “Where was I, Nerf-ball?”

“My most gracious Evil Lord, you were talking about how fond you were of your Slander forces,” answered Odeous.

“Oh yes, as I was saying. Only a special caliber of angel can effectively fill that position. One who has been trained in the demonic art of spiritual demolition.

“For several centuries I have personally seen to it that you be groomed for the job. I have evaluated your performance and have concluded that you have done excellently. You have brought great chaos and destruction to the enemy camp. I commend you for that, ugly one. I have decided that you are to be the successor to Arterius. Are there any questions?”

With a sinister smile Odeous asked, “When do I start, O Lowly Hord?”

“Watch your mouth, protruded pin-head!” exclaimed Lucifer. “I see that your last assignment in music backmasking didn’t help you much. Please repeat after me, ‘Holy Lord.’ ”

The embarassed devil repeated after him and with apologetical tone said, “Your exalted Lowness, I am terribly sorry. Please excuse my lumpy lips.”

“There is no forgiveness here, you despicable devil. But getting back to our main business, you start immediately,” answered the Evil One. “There is no time to waste. Every moment we wait gives the Enemy time to regroup.

“Though you should not have problems with most, there are some throughout the enemy camp who are raising up quickly. In fact, certain individuals are proving to be formidable in their aggression. They have caused casualties on our front lines. Honestly they have me a little worried.”

“My drol … excuse me, my Lord,” stumbled Odeous, “how have they proven to be a formidable challenge?”

At this, the awesome being stood up saying, “I’ll tell you how, my child of darkness! They do everything by the Book.”

“What do you mean, my Horrifying Highness?” inquired the subject.

“Listen closely, flamboyant fluff-head.” At that moment the air seemed electrically charged. “They follow that despicable Book almost to a ‘tee.’ In fact, some of them are developing a love, unity and commitment that I haven’t seen for some time. It almost reminds me of us. We stay close don’t we, Odeous?”

“Of course,” smirked Odeous.

“It’s the same kind of love and commitment that we saw when that Foe, oh how I hate His name, hung around with those disciples of His. I thought I had done Him in finally … but wait, I am not finished yet. That is why I’m putting you to work, Odeous. You are to cause as much havoc as you can to enemy forces.”

“But my Muck-Master, the Foe says He has the war sewed up. He is already claiming the victory. He says His Church will prevail and that we have been sentenced…” blurted Odeous.

“You foamy fool. Wash your mouth. Don’t you remind me of that dreadful day! Never say that in my presence again … I repeat, never!” boomed the infernal One.

“Forgive me for my lack of demonic discipline, O Great Accuser.”

“Odeous, statements like that will discourage many a devil. We cannot afford to have faint-hearted troops. How can you, as a general, encourage your drones with such vulgar thoughts?”

“Anyway … I want you to go to the Enemy’s territory and plant seeds of doubt concerning the leaders. Concentrate on their most influential ones. Fabricate stories, do anything to discredit and skillfully malign them. Remember what we learned, that if you strike the Shepherd, you will end up scattering the sheep into confused array. Divide in any way you can. If we divide we will conquer.

“Recruit rebellious dissenters. Call them ‘witnesses.’ Remember that is how I got the Galilean! Get these ‘witnesses’ on slanderous crusades. Have these pawns of yours use the Book themselves. Gullible people will think they really know what they are talking about. An excellent weapon is ‘guilt by association.’

“Get your stories out. Move that propaganda. Sell carefully selected juicy morsels. Good morsels go deep and infest greatly. Any foolish listener you get is sure to be contaminated.”

“I can appreciate your candor, my dear Satan,” grinned Odeous.

“Another thing you must not underestimate about our Enemy Forces is that many of them are unswervingly committed to what they call ‘holiness.’ ”

“Please explain. My hairy cars are itching, Lord Lucifer.”

“Even if we do get inroads into the enemy camp, that does not mean certain victory. You can infest individuals with slander but it can still be neutralized with their ‘discipline principles.’ Some fail to use this highly effective device. Those who use them usually weather our attacks.”

“My Lord, what can we do in that kind of situation?”

“I’m glad you asked. What we can do, Odeous, is to have weak ones fudge on the discipline and therefore compromise this so-called standard of holiness. We can get them to slow up this process by making everyone and their grandmother feel like they need to get involved in the situation themselves.”

“Boy, I just can’t wait to start manipulating those worthless pawns,” the general exulted. [“]Isn’t it written somewhere that ‘a worthless man digs up evil’?”

“Careful! You gutless wart,” shouted the Wicked One. “You almost quote the Enemy’s Book as though you believe it. Those pawns may be worthless to the Enemy, but they are very useful for our purposes.”

“Oops,” responded Odeous.

“Listen to me you slimy, sleezy scuzzball. Make those naive ones think they are listening to truth instead of slander. Tell them there is nothing to fear. This will weaken the Enemy’s effect and will give us a crack in the wall. It will be just a matter of time and we will be able to topple and ransack them. And you know the “little leaven trick.”

“Any other juicy weapons in our arsenals?”

“Yes, my vile one. I almost forgot. There is another thing you can do. Yor can label their discipline thing as unloving. Most of their forces do not really understand what love is anyway. In the same vein, accuse the leaders involved as being harsh and tyrannical. Call them … that’s it! Accuse them of being a cult. That should do it. People will stay away from them then, and some of their own may be influenced. Oh, Jimmy Jones, how I love you!”

At this, the inspired Odeous straightened up and blurted, “My most gracious evil Lord, to do your will is my hedonistic desire.”

“Very well, Odcous. It is with my utmost sacrilegious blessing that I charge you and commission you for this very special mission. My demonic armies and hordes are at your disposal. I am with you. Therefore go and act quickly.”

At this Odeous bowed and uttered “Long live King Satan, Lord of the uh, the air!” At once a regiment of palace demonic drones appeared and swiftly escorted the new general out of the Sanctum and shut the doors. There seemed to be a slight insecurity in the Dark One as he whispered to himself, “I hope he can do it… We always seem to be on the loosing [sic] end.”

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